Short script for comments

[andyblaa]

Howdy,

Below is a short script I wrote for a 1 minute/1 shot film competition. The competition is now over but I'm going to be making the film anyway, in a couple of weeks.

I'm in two minds at the moment whether the script is worth making. I like it, and it makes me laugh, but I'm not sure if anyone else will find it funny. A lot of the comedy will come from the performance and I know I can get the required comedy in there that way.

I'm very interested to hear what you all think. First of all, does it make you laugh? And is there enough of an ending for you?

Thanks,
Andy


ONE CONTINUOUS SHOT - NO CUTS

INT. CAFE - DAY

A white plastic table with red benches either side of it. On
the table is a half-eaten breakfast, a Sunday Mirror and a
cup of tea.

On the yellow, nicotine-stained wall behind is a poster for a
missing tortoise who apparently answers to the name 'Alan'.

The clank of cutlery on plates occasionally cuts through the
low murmur of talking.

A WAITER steps in to clear the plates, then quite deftly
spills some beans onto the table as he leaves.

A MAN walks in and sits down on the left-hand bench. A WOMAN
sits down on the opposite bench.

He is in his early 30's and wears a leather studded biker
jacket and tight blue jeans. She is in her early 20's and
has glasses and a ponytail. She speaks with an Eastern
European accent and looks like she just got off work at the
library.

MAN
Aaaah! I love this place. I come
here all the time. They know me
here.

WOMAN
(uncomfortably)
Yes, it's...nice.

MAN
Yep.

She wriggles uncomfortably, catching sight of the tortoise
poster on the wall.

MAN
You...look quite sexy, by the way.
Your ponytail's nice.

WOMAN
Thankyou.

He glances round the cafe, probably looking to see if he
knows anyone.

MAN
So, you don't have a boyfriend?

WOMAN
No.

She looks around nervously.

MAN
D'you know I've got my own gang?
Around here.

WOMAN
Yes, you said, before.

MAN
The B-Boy Gangster Posse. Have you
seen Grease?

WOMAN
Erm, yes, I think so.

MAN
It's good isn't it? Yeah, well,
we're like the T-Birds.

WOMAN
(insincere)
Mmm. Cool.

The Waiter arrives to take their order.

MAN
The usual, Tim-bo.

WAITER
Er, I'm Paul, I don't know your
usual, mate. What do you want?

MAN
(laughing it off)
The number four, hold the toms, and
a banana milkshake.
(to Woman, pressing)
What d'you want? Have whatever you
like.

WOMAN
I'm fine, thankyou.

MAN
(offended)
You don't want anything?

WOMAN
Er, a cup of tea then, please
thankyou.

He nods to the waiter in approval.

She looks around the table, straightening the sauce bottles
nervously.

An ALSATIAN wanders up to the table and licks up the spilt
beans. The man doesn't seem to even notice it.

The woman edges back in her seat, her eyes fixed on the dog.

As it slowly ambles away she relaxes.

WOMAN
What do you work as?

MAN
(proudly)
Job? Yeah, I do two days a week
holding a SUBWAY sign on Oxford
Street. Nice work if you can get
it. And it pays the bills.

He glances around the cafe again. He seems to have caught
someone's eye.

MAN
What was I saying? Anyway, well,
yeah, I used to run a team of...

He looks around again. Then seems to mutter something under
his breath as he turns back to her.

MAN
No, back when there was a...

He looks around yet again. This time he looks angry.

MAN
(to offscreen)
What are you looking at??
(beat)
Oi!
(beat)
You looking at my woman?

She looks over in the direction of who he is talking to.

WOMAN
(to herself)
Your woman?

MAN
(to offscreen)
I said, are you looking at my
woman, cu..

A loud crash of plates from the kitchen cuts off the end of
his sentence.

He stares angrily at his offscreen adversary.

MAN
Okay.

He gets up and stomps away from the table.

She squirms, lowering her head, acting like nothing has
happened.

The sound of a cup being picked up, then the sound of liquid
splashing over something, then a squeal is heard.

She tremors slightly.

MAN (o.s.)
How d'you like that, amigo? You see
what happens when you mess with one
of the B-Boy Gangster Posse.

The sound of a punch being thrown can be heard.

She slowly turns away and gets up to leave.

MAN (o.s.)
(to Woman, strained)
Stay there, I'll be back in a
minute.

She quickly sits down again.

Another punch is thrown. And a groan.

Then the sound of something large and body-like falling to
the floor.

She stares open-mouthed for a second, then stands up and
peers over to get a closer look.

A smile comes across her face. She gets up to leave.

WAITER
Oi, darlin'?

WOMAN (o.s.)
Sorry, I speak English no good.

The table is empty again.

CREDITS:

The Actress enters from right and sits back down. The Actor
enters from left, now with a bleeding lip and black eye.
Both smile into the camera.

Miniature paper signs with their names and arrows pointing
upwards slide into frame below each actor.

The rest of the credits slide in, eventually covering the
whole frame with little signs.

[miker]

I didn't get it either. And you will have one more-complicated-than-it-needs-to-be shoot unless you have a trained alsation that eats beans on cue during a single take.

I like parts of the style, but the content seems a bit meandering and ultimately pointless. Nice credit sequence idea.

[twister!]

I didn't get it or find it funny, sorry. Man (who is a bit of a jerk) sits at at table and chats up a girl, he gets beaten up - it ends... I did only read it very quickly so could well have missed something...

I guess I could see that if you did a series of situations with this B-Boy bloke and he gets beaten up each time it could be quite amusing in a Little Britain kind of way.

I liked the poster about the Tortoise - Alan.

[Generic Skinhead]

I'm afraid I was unable to get what you were going for here. What's the point of the story? I usually like quirky stuff...but for me, this just went nowhere.

I also didn't think it was funny, but there are those who would call me a dry bastard.

Sorry bro.

[emjen]

I liked it. But felt it wasnt as strong as it could be. This is what I see in it: a man hires a prostitute so he can go to a bar, and have an excuse for a fight all those lame ballsy tattood hooligan bastards do "hey! You looking at my beer/woman/me/etc?!?"

I think it can be allright with the right direction. THe problem however is that it's just one joke, one that is not so clear at that. The one joke thing can be allright if it is indeed just a minute, but even at that it's a risky thing to do.